


In the pines (you left me)

by Orlha



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Brainwashing, F/M, Memory Loss, alternative ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-06
Updated: 2016-05-03
Packaged: 2018-05-31 15:44:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6476260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Orlha/pseuds/Orlha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He doesn't remember the man he was before the war, he doesn't remember being the monster after the war. For most days, he barely remembers being a man, a human. He sees this monster that isn't worth the dirt on the ground in the mirror. Steve tells him that he's no monster; that he's not of any fault. But how can he be anything but a monster? He has seen how Steve's teammates look at him. The tense posture, the way they always keep their weapons close when he's in the room like they're just waiting for him to explode.</p><p>Then he meets her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_He doesn't remember the man he was before the war, he doesn't remember being the monster after the war. For most days, he barely remembers being a man, a human. He sees this monster that isn't worth the dirt on the ground in the mirror. Steve tells him that he's no monster; that he's not of any fault. But how can he be anything but a monster? He has seen how Steve's teammates look at him. The tense posture, the way they always keep their weapons close when he's in the room like they're just waiting for him to explode._

_Then he meets her._

_Or rather she falls into his lap, soft and smiles all around. She wields the nerf gun like it's the most dangerous thing, shooting wildly at the vent where she dropped out from._

_“I'm going to win this time, Hawk!” she yells and thrusts the nerf gun at him. “Shoot the bird out of the vent, big guy!”_

_“That's cheating, Darcy,” the male voice whines from the ceiling._

_“Says the world's best marksman.” She nudges him and points vaguely. “Shoot him! I’m only ten points from winning. 2 points for a body shot, 4 for a heart, 10 for a head!” She flashes him a blinding smile and for a moment, he forgets that he’s a monster beyond redemption._

_He doesn’t hesitate. Shooting at where he has figured the other person is hiding at. The other person makes a mock agonised voice and ‘falls’ out of the vent. Darcy shrieks in delight, wrapping her arms around him and plasters the biggest, largest kiss on his cheek. There is a lipstick mark on his face but he finds he doesn’t care. “Darcy Lewis, by the way,” she flutters her eyes at him and holds her hand out._

_He doesn’t know what to answer. Who was he? He wasn’t Bucky or Winter Soldier. “James Barnes,” he says at length, shaking her hand and torn between wanting her to leave and wanting her to stay._

_She doesn’t leave, merely turning to slouch into the couch beside him. Darcy pats the seat and the other guy - Clint, vaults over the back of the couch and beside her._

\----

James’ so pumped with sedative that his head lolls as they drag him into the room and onto the chair. The men in white coats scatter about like roaches, twittering in their querulous voices.

It took him five years to become something human and another two to find a reason to exist and all it took for them was catch him off-guard. How could he have been so stupid?

At least Darcy is safe now.

That is his only comfort.

\----

_They sway from side to side, doing the bare minimum required for a dance. That’s okay for Darcy, for she can’t dance and that’s okay for him, for he would rather not try to dredge up memories of his forties dancing. She presses her head into the crook of his neck and he holds onto her._

_Learning to be affectionate again is an ongoing process. It helps that Darcy loves to touch and is openly affectionate. She’s always wrapping her hands around his waist, sinking her body onto his heat with a sigh and a kiss._

_The hot longing burns in him as she gazes at him with hooded eyes. “I love you,” she whispers to him. She tells him that all the time and doesn’t seem to mind that he doesn’t return it. He’s still learning to be human again, to be a man and no a monster. She’s unafraid of him, bold and daring, burning like a flame that he’s so scared to hold._

_He doesn’t return her words, he’s not ready but he leans down and captures her lips._

_He’s not yet a man but he’s a little less a monster now._

\----

James tries to hold onto the memories of her desperately. Repeating them over and over again as they jam the mouth guard in.

_This is for her._

He says to himself.

_\----_

_They are alone on the terrace, James has his face nestled in her sweet-smelling hair when he finally says it._

_“I love you.”_

_Darcy freezes, slowly turning around in his embrace. There are tears in her eyes and James thinks he has done something wrong. Perhaps he is two years too late to say it, that she got tired of waiting. His heart is beating so loud that he wouldn’t be surprised that she can hear it._

_“I love you too,” she tells him. “I love you,” reiterating it to him as she pulls his head to hers, sliding her lips over his._

_He’s two years late, but he’s finally arrived._

\----

The men in the lab coats start flicking the switches. James knows it’s too late to be saved. There’ll be nothing left for Stevie to save him when and if they come for him. He’s traded himself for her and despite knowing what is to come, he’ll do it in a heartbeat again.

Now he can only hold onto the most precious memories of her, hoping that her memories would be strong enough to carry over.

The way her eyelashes look on her pale skin, her lips slightly parted in her sleep, the feel of her silky soft hair when he runs his hand through it, the way she calls for him when he’s buried in her heat.

_Darcy!_

James blinks back the prickly feeling in his eyes as a jag of agony blasts through him. He sags against the restraints momentarily before another searing agony roared up his spine and into his head.

_Darcy-_

Then the darkness overtakes him.

\----

A brunette stands before him. He can smell the fear on her even without taking in her trembling body.

“Kill her,” the man in white coat tells him.

The man’s order makes the hair on the back of his neck stand. There’s something wrong about killing the little brunette. She’s soft with curves, pouty lips-

He growls, trying to push the wave of feelings away but killing her feels akin to eviscerating himself and he can’t deny it.

He spins around, shooting the men in white coats and empties his gun into the guards. The guards has two handguns and a rifle, he takes them and grabs the little brunette. He has to take her out; take her away from here.

“Stay close,” he says. She nods mutely, her fingers reaching up to untie the gag in her mouth.

He catches the barrage of bullets with his metal arm but misses. The little brunette falls to her knees, her mouth opens and closes wordlessly. She’s in no form to walk let alone run, so he swings her across his shoulders, rapidly running through the hallways.

He smells her blood down his vest. The wound is far too severe for any form of medication treatment. It is without a certainty, death.

Her teammates crowd around her, the man with curly hair tries desperately to save her and it’s a vain attempt.

“There’s only time for goodbyes,” the man with curly hair says to them.

The little brunette holds out her hand for him. Why him, he doesn’t know, doesn’t understand but comes forward with the pushing of her teammates.

“I love you,” she says. Her voice is tight and she doesn’t have much long to live. “I love you,” her shaking fingers entwines with his. That act feels natural, like he’s been doing it for a long time.

“Say something, James,” the man with the bow yells and nudges him.

“Say what? I don’t know her,” his words feel heavy on his tongue. Is he James? Is that his name? There is a hot trail of water making it’s way down his dusty cheek and he doesn’t know why. “I don’t know her do I?”

The little brunette only smiles, her eyes fluttering shut. There is a void in him that is clawing to escape, a void he doesn’t know why it exists.

“I don’t know her, do I?” he says again. “Do I?” 


	2. Knocking on Heaven's door [Alternate Ending]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternative ending as requested.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to point out that this is a requested ending and I do consider that the chp 1 as an entire one-shot as it is. It is meant to be an angsty ending, but I shan't deny people in their want for a happier ending. 
> 
> Hope this is a better/happier ending.

He doesn’t remember how long he’s been running after he took off from the Avengers. He still doesn’t remember her name even though he dreams of her frequently. He, James or Bucky, depending on who he is speaking to the dreams often stared at her with such longing and intensity that he wonders what that surge of heat meant.

It’s almost spring now. He can smell the rain on the breeze, the sweet tanginess slipping into his mouth.

_“It’s spring!” She spins around, hands held up above her as she laughs gaily._

_“You’re going to get yourself sick, Darce!” He slips by her side, holding the umbrella over her._

_“Oh pffft. It’s just a little rain- achoo!” She sneezes loudly and looks at him surprised. “Just a stra- achoo!”_

_She shakes herself and allows him to steer her back into their room where he pads over to the bathroom to bring large towels and crank up the thermostat. The heat is high enough for him to sweat but he doesn’t mind it as long she doesn’t get sick. Pulling her flush against his body, he dries her hair off and presses a kiss on the back of her head._

_“I love you, James,” she smiles and tilts her head back to kiss him on his jaw._

_It’s taken him forever to reach this point but he doesn’t mind it at all. It feels like he had been walking in a barren desert not knowing where he was until he found her, the oasis in his desert. “I love you too Darcy.”_

He wakes up to a half freezing body and a sob curdling at the back of the throat. He remembers now. Her name was Darcy.

He had taken off even before they buried her body. He should have stayed, watched her, said ‘ _I love you too_ ’ when she held her hand out for him. So many should haves, too many things to regret. James pulls his jacket on, sliding the revolver in his hidden holster. Darcy would want him to return, somewhere where he would be safe. He chokes back a mirthless laugh at the memory of someone being worried for his well-being. He doesn’t have her anymore, but he can make a better place for others like her. That would be his redemption, one that he can never earn.

\----

“Bucky?” Steve stares at him. His eyes widened almost comically at him from the doorway.

“Am I allowed to come back?” he asks, eyes dropping onto the floor. His voice is low and uneven, trying to hide that spike of fear that even Steve wouldn’t want him back. James isn’t sure what he would do if that happens; he probably should have considered it, crossed his mind at least.

“We’ve been looking for you for so long, Bucky.” Steve’s voice is accusing and he doesn’t blame him. He would be mad at himself too. “You ran even before the body was cold.”

James doesn’t say anything. There is no amount of excuses for this. Steve observes him for a long moment before swinging the door open and the sense of relief that floods through him almost threatens to dump him onto the floor. “I didn’t- _remember_ her.” He looks up at Steve for the first time since he answered the door. There is a war of emotions in his blue eyes as he regards James.

“I _couldn’t_ -” his voice breaks off into a trembling whisper. “-Even say I love her. Couldn’t remember who she was, who I was.”

Steve grabs him by the elbow and steers him to the sofa where he sinks into it, head bowed over his knees. “Six months, Buck.” Steve places a hand on his shoulder. “We searched for you for six months. Better than the two years before that, though.”

James pushes a hand through his hair, clenching his fist. “Where... is she… buried?”

“Bucky… she’s not dead.”

He raises his head slowly, staring at him. “What do you mean? She- he- Bruce called it, didn’t he?”

“SHIELD developed a serum that was to revive an Avenger in case of death. I’m sure you’ve heard of Coulson who died and came back and Fury as well.”

“So she’s alive?”

Steve clenches his shoulder, the weight anchoring him as the possibility of her being still alive washes the churning acrimony away. “It’s easier if I show you.”

\----

The elevator ride up the Avengers’ tower is silent. He can hear the roaring sound filling his ears as they stop outside a door.

“Bucky. Before we go in… you have to know some things. The serum… it has given its users powers.”

“Powers,” he deadpans.

Steve hesitates, swallowing audibly. “Fury apparently can teleport and Coulson has super reflexes.”

“Just open the damn door, Steve.”

He pushes the door open and James lets out a strangled breath as he catches sight of her. She’s lying on a white bed, hands folded across the stark white blankets. Her dark hair is a dark tangle of waves that fan across her pillow.

“Darce?” James takes a step, his legs ceasing to hold him as he crumples onto the chair beside her bed. Her eyelashes flutter with each breath she takes, but she’s still, void of any motion. “Darcy,” he presses his eyes over her pale hand, hiding the hot tears of relief. Asleep is better than dead. He’s patient, he can wait for his entire life if that’s what it’ll take.

James brushes her hair, thumbing across her eyebrows. “I’m here, Darcy.”

\----

It becomes his routine - spending all the visiting hours at the med bay. It’s another two months when Steve broaches the possibility that she might not have been revived successfully and even though her body is living, her soul might have passed on. It doesn’t make sense to James, but he refuses to _let her go._ Are they going to let her die after reviving her? James doesn’t even consider it. Even if their explanations sound ‘ _sensible’_. ‘Being sensible’ can go to hell because that’s the only way they’re going to get him to let her go is by killing him.

It’s another month later as James sits there, cradling her hand as he reads her favourite books to her. Then her fingers twitch and her eyes blink, her voice raspy from disuse as she calls his name, “James?”

“Darcy? You’re awake!” He kisses her hand, murmuring thanks to whatever god, deity, maybe Thor, that has brought her back. “You’re back.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a one shot, so what powers Darcy gets is up to you. :)


End file.
